ANN ARBOR–Long a target of fans of opposing teams, Ann Arbor has heard it all. Tales of Arbor’s sexual promiscuity have often inspired slogans and t-shirts containing popular phrases like “Ann Arbor is a Whore” or “Whats the difference between Ann Arbor and a porcupine? There are 100,000 pricks on the inside of Ann Arbor.”

“I just want to be left alone,” Arbor said. “Yes, I’ve done some things and some people in the past I’m not proud of, but haven’t we all? And that second joke isn’t even about me!”
Be that as it may, Arbor has certainly taken them on the chin many times during the long and usually flaccid history of Michigan Wolverine football. For as long as Michigan has hung out, Arbor has been there, taking a pounding each week from upwards of fifty incoming football players at once, occasionally even bringing the portly Arbor to her knees with exhaustion. But Arbor plans on giving until she cannot give anymore. “Oh, I’ll keep letting everyone in until the well dries up,” Arbor said. “I’m just a friendly person. That’s the way I was brought up. That, and frequent spankings.”

Arbor says that home weekends are particularly hard on her because of the large capacity of her Big House. It is difficult for Arbor to accommodate upwards of 100,000 people, big and small, coming upon her at once.

If there is one thing Arbor has, other than chlamydia, it is staying power. “I’m not going to stop doing what I’m doing because some people think I’m a whore,” Arbor stated. “It’s nice that we have the weekend off, but I guarantee you that I’ll be here next week, welcoming all those Wisconsin players into my Big House.”

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