Eric Moneypenny wrote a brilliant piece of shit suggesting that Dave Wannstedt is the “next Pete Carroll.” This begs two questions about Moneypenny:

1. Why did James Bond want to nail this guy?
2. Has this guy ever watched football? At any level?

Having watched Wannstedt film a German Scheisse video all over the Bears’ collective chest coach the Bears badly, I don’t know what Moneypenny is seeing here. My memories of Wannstedt involve a lot of this…

and this…

and this…

and none of this…

He sucked with the Bears, he sucked with the Dolphins, he got dismantled by an underdog Irish squad at home last year. If Dave Wannstedt is the next Pete Carroll, then I’m going to be the first to declare Dick Jauron the next Bear Bryant.

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Randy Holtz of the Rocky Mountain News has nice writeup chronicling Notre Dame’s long running love affair with the Heisman Trophey. Basically the Heisman goes with the Irish like burgers go with beer at CJs.

If you don’t know, the Rocky Mountain News Heisman poll is the longest-running weekly Heisman Trophy poll in the country, in its 20th year, and has correctly predicted the winner 16 of the previous 19 seasons. The poll started back in 1987…the last time a Notre Dame player won the Heisman. Guess who the poll has predicted to win this year (his last name rhymes with IrishBetterWin)? This is Randy’s take on Brady Quinn this season:

“Irish senior quarterback Brady Quinn, who passed for nearly 3,919 yards last season and posted the obscene touchdown-to-interception ratio of 32-7, is the overwhelming preseason favorite to win the Heisman.

And why not? He’s tough. He’s tested. He has a howitzer for a right arm. And not only does he play for college football’s most recognizable brand name, his senior season dovetails nicely with what many think will be Notre Dame’s return to over- the-top national glory.”

Other highlights from the article include proof that no money from the “Generations Campaign” goes to the operations dept:

“True story: We were in the Notre Dame athletic offices a few years back when we noticed a Heisman statuette being used as a doorstop for the office of the sports information director. Someone asked if it was a real Heisman Trophy.

“Yeah, that one is John Huarte’s, I believe,” the publicist said. “We don’t have enough room for all of them in the trophy case.”

Mr. Holtz, you are now on our Christmas card list….and with a last name like that how could you not love the Irish.

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It’s that time of year again folks. Time when the leaves start to change, the autumn breeze rolls in, the grills get fired up, and so do I…

That’s right, it’s time for the annual pre-season opener homemade pep rally and here’s your guide to doin’ it yourself. This annual tradition was started by the K-Man, a legendary ND fan out of Cleveland, OH, who also happens to be my brother-in-law. I’ve picked it up, and the power of this pep rally is tangible.

Assuming you can’t make it to Tech for the Alumni Association’s cheesy-ass tailgate pep rally, this is the best thing you can do to get ready for the big game Saturday.

Ingredients:

• 4 Pints Guinness
• Cake Mix (chocolate is my favorite, but feel free)
• Icing: A lot of white, and some of that fun colored stuff that tastes like glue in Blue, Gold and Green
• 1 Copy of Rudy
• ND Fight Song and other ND Football songs on CD/iPod/8 Track
• Tivo

Directions:

1. Start off by Tivo-ing a few great old Irish games on ESPNClassic. Given that it’s Thursday already, this may be tough to pull off by Friday night. But do it if you can.
2. 8 PM Friday – Blast ND Fight Song. Crack first Guinness. Drink slowly and smile. It’s football season again and you’re a mother-*&%$-ing Irish Fan.
3. 8:05 – Ask wife/girlfriend/fiance’/latestrandomhookup to help you make the Kick-off Cake, which you sure as hell will screw up without her.
4. 8:02 – Begin watching Tivo’d games while the ‘chef’ takes over with the cake.
5. 8:10 – Crack second Guinness.
6. 8:20 – Cake is in the oven, and it’s time to watch Rudy. Feel the chills roll up your spine as Rudy walks out onto the field in the off-season, snow falling. Remember the smell of campus, and that “I can take on the world” feeling you had as you walked across the manicured lawns. Then remember the cake is fucking burning.
7. 8:50 – Take cake out and let cool. Back to Rudy with your 3rd Guinness.
8. 9:45-ish – Rudy is over, with the final play in the game a dramatic sack of a Georgia Tech QB by a 5-foot-nothin 100-and-nothin ‘motivational speaker’. Crack your final Guinness and enjoy that buzz.
9. 10:00 – Decorate cake with Green, Gold and Blue paste-tasting-stuff in preferred manner. Last year I went with a Golden Dome and a football that looked like a turd. As soon as you’re finished, crush 3 pieces. Mmmmmm, cake.
10. 10:30 – Break into the old Miller Lite sitting in the back of your fridge bc the buzz is fun, your wife/girlfriend/whore is laughing at you, and you love the pep rally.
11. 10:31 – Blast the Fight Song again, cuz it’s time for the annual stair runs and pushups. This is where things get ugly. To remind ourselves that we were once athletes, we will run up and down a flight of stairs 10 times, doing 5 pushups at the bottom each time. But to remind ourselves that we’re old and not serious anymore, we will do all this while holding, and drinking, a beer. Do it. It’s hilarious and it shows your dedication to the cause.
12. 11ish – Return to couch, crack another beer, and watch highlights on Tivo until you pass out. Tomorrow, it begins.

Go Irish.

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SOUTH BEND, Ind.–Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis looked over the Georgia Tech roster in preparation for the upcoming game between the Fighting Irish and the Yellow Jackets. Weis, with his “let’s-not-get-ahead-of-ourselves” style, sought something positive to say about the Yellow Jackets’ chances in Saturday’s game. He came up empty.

“Let’s face it. No matter what the media is saying, and no matter how they’re trying to spin this game to make it seem more exciting, we’re just way, way better than Georgia Tech,” Weis said. “I mean, Reggie Ball? Come on. I expect our guys to hang forty-three on them. Remember last year when people were saying the same things about how Pitt was going to beat us?”

When asked whether Tech has any positives going into Saturday’s game, Weis looked to the Georgia Tech sideline. “No. Well, I guess…Jon Tenuta [Tech's defensive coordinator]? He’s okay. He calls a pretty good game against, you know, other people’s offenses. If you want to print that, you can go ahead and print that,” Weis chuckled. “We’re real scared of Jon Tenuta. No. Better yet. Use ‘terrified.’ Yeah. Say we’re ‘terrified’ of Jon Tenuta.”

Weis pointed to more uncertainty about Georgia Tech’s game in the form of new special teams coordinator Charles Kelly. “Kelly came over from Nickel State. If you want a challenge, try Googling ‘Nickel State’ and see if you can figure out where the hell it is. That right there is pretty much all the preparation I think we need on special teams. But, I went ahead and got some tape from Nickel State, anyhow. I think they were a little surprised when I called them, but not as surprised as I was that they actually had tape.”

Weis was able to find more challenges for the Irish on the Tech sidelines. “They also have two backup quarterbacks who are left-handed. And the Latin word for ‘left’ is ’sinister,’ so I guess it’ll be sort of scary when we knock Ball out of the game and one of those guys comes in.”

Through it all, Weis refuses to let his team get overconfident about the game against Georgia Tech. “I told them, they’d better be looking over their shoulders at that sideline on Saturday, because there are going to be some scary guys standing over there watching us play.”

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Maybe all the hype leading up to the hotly-anticipated game between the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish made my hands sweaty. Maybe I wasn’t ready to bump the difficulty up from “Varsity” to “All-American.” Maybe I ran one too many WR screens, trying desperately to beat a heavy Georgia Tech pass rush. All I know is that virtual Brady Quinn on my Xbox 360

got planted. A lot. Like six times. And he threw a late pick with Tech up 22-21 to seal the victory for the Yellow Jackets.

What does this mean? I couldn’t lead NCAA 2007, #2-ranked Notre Dame past NCAA 2007 #25-ranked Georgia Tech. I once finished the original Contra in under an hour with one guy. I beat Halo on legendary. I even beat Goonies 2 for the NES. And I won the National Championship with the Irish in my first season of NCAA 2007 on “Varsity.”

Is this an omen? Is Notre Dame in trouble on Saturday? Or did I lose because I kept making Darius Walker run into his own blockers? Because I can never remember whether “Y” audibles into a halfback draw or a post pattern? Because every time I try to control Tom Zbikowski, I run him horribly out of position and allow a big completion? Because, with the new kicking meter implemented in NCAA 2007, I missed a 23-yard field goal?

I do know that I’m trying again, damnit. I will soundly beat Georgia Tech in my pixelated fantasy world before the real teams go to battle Saturday. I owe it to Irish fans everywhere. And God knows I owe it to virtual Brady Quinn.

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Again, the rules of the game are here.

First, an introduction to the 2006 HLS Experts (More may be added if they stop being chicken):

• Bad Kermit: An avid Cubs fan who expects Notre Dame in 2006 to pull him back in off the ledge after watching another disastrous Cubs season. He writes, he practices law sometimes, and he built a pirate bar, for God’s sake. The man has earned some respect, right?
• ChisND: A northern expat who now resides in the southern comfort of Atlanta. He constantly feels the need to tell fellow southerners why the SEC and ACC “don’t mean jack” and why ND should never join the Big 10. He holds a secret love for Northern Illinois, hoping they will go all they way and Disney will make an inspirational movie about it. He uses his über grasp of technology to predict results, harnessing the collective conscience of the web for his semi-evil plans of domination. When not obsessing over ND Football, the Internet and indie rock, ChisND tries to keep his wife happy and yard mowed. He also attends mass regularly praying for the souls of his fellow “Loyal Sons”.
• The Biscuit: I AM BETTER THAN YOU.
• Dneelean: Lifelong Midwester who was a late comer to ND super-fan status, waiting until enrolling at Notre Dame before attending his first football game. However, since that first game, only 3 home games have passed without Kent in attendance. Two of those games were during freshman year and missed for a lady and the last was because one of his stupid friends had to get married and Kent stood up in the wedding. Kent sees this weekly charade as a mere nuisance to his eventual crowning as victorious in this competition. Kent is also prone to wild taunts that usually turn out to be hubris while competing. Bring it on, bitches!
• domer.mq: Just as likely to shoot you as look at you. A Jack of All Trades and a Master of Yahtzee! domer_mq enjoys beating up small jack o’lanterns, taunting Dish Network Antenna stuck out in the cold, and performance typing. He invented this game as a way to manipulate people, studying the other participants as they vie for the championship. domer_mq taps his fingers, anxiously awaiting the inevitable bloodshed!
• Sed: New England resident who tried the midwestern life for decade before tucking his tail between his legs and returning home. Sed has watched ND football since the days of Montana and tries to get to 3-4 games a year. This year you will find him at the Georgia Tech, Michigan, North Carolina and Army games. Normally Sed splits his time between the Red Sox and the Irish, but luckily the Sox team has packed it in this year, so his full attention can now be turned to ND and its quest for another National Championship.

And now on to the picks:
More…

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Hmmm not much else to say here but WHOOPS. Looks like the golden boy has knocked up USC JUNIOR basketball player, Brynn Cameron. Ahh what a great way to spend those last two years of college…barefoot and pregnant. I’m also sure her coaches are overjoyed at our boy Leinart.

NOTE TO BRADY QUINN – Baby momma drama is not a requirement to win the Heisman Trophey. But we already know you have better judgement than that, as you don’t count Nick Lachey and Paris Hilton as close friends.

Who thinks parietals are stupid now?

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Well, if this doesn’t get you going, [insert cliche here]:

Thanks to Irish Round Table for the find.

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Well someone better contact Weis & Co. before they jump on that plane to Atlanta cause Mark Bradley over at the Atlanta Journal Constitution has called an upset in Saturday’s game before the game has even been played. And I thought we where the ones with the direct line to heaven. I’m ever so grateful for this notification as I might still have time to sell my tickets before the game.

Gotta love lines like this:

“One team that will play at Bobby Dodd Stadium on Saturday has demonstrated the capacity to beat strong opposition, and it isn’t Notre Dame. One team has proved it can stop a good offense, and it isn’t Notre Dame. One team seems equipped to win this hugely ballyhooed game, and it isn’t Notre Dame.”

Blah blah blah….Hmmm…so Utah must have had one hell of an offense in that there Emerald Bowl with that 38-10 routing they gave Tech (yes I know we lost our bowl game also…but what is Ohio State ranked again??). Yes GT likes to talk of their D but the reality is they need to play some O to win this game.

Well as Mark says…

“Come midnight Saturday, one team will have seized a famous victory”

….but I’m afraid it will be the Irish.

BONUS – don’t miss the comments in the article in which all the Georgia Dawg fans wet themselves crying about how overrated ND is. Whaa we don’t get enough media attention.

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John Walters apparently hired a really good intern. I suspect that intern is probably is a Domer. And that Domer wrote a fairly complete Notre Dame Glossary. I love glossaries (glossari? sp?). They remind me of 2nd grade, when I used to look up terms like “Glossary.”
Anyway, read and enjoy. It’s 8 minutes of fun as you relive your time on campus. Ok, for me is was about 20 minutes of fun. I read really slowly, which, of course, caused me lots of trouble as I tried to cram for tests because I didn’t study earlier. I had a lot of Jedi Knight to play! Ok!? Gosh.

I’m trying to think of some terms the intern venerable John Walters missed. Feel free to add your own terms in the comments section.

Editor’s Note: I’m a moron. John Walters IS a Domer. I hate myself so much right now. The strkiethroughs above were added after realizing that I’m not smart. Again.

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Austin Murphy, of CNNSI.com has written a piece of lazy sports journalism covering Irish Football. Nothing new there. I’m just gonna keep track of this stuff as the season goes one because it’s mind boggling that these guys get paid for this stuff.

Sure, it’s not as malicious as that piece done by 2 South Bend bumpkins in which they couldn’t confirm any of their freely thrown allegations (since they never did A) any research or B) any interviews with ND people), but it is very, very lazy.

Among the offenses of lazines:

“The sobering news for Georgia Tech is that Notre Dame’s secondary appears to its most improved unit.”

Poor Editing, Guys. Easy Pickin’s. But then there’s more…

“Seeing walk-on Travis Leitko toss aside his blocker and jolt the running back sideways in a drill called “Irish Eyes.” Roared Weis, “I keep noticing you, Leitko!” A week later, Leitko was one of four walk-ons awarded scholarships.”

Calling Leitko a walk-on is incredibly misleading. If you aren’t familiar with the story, read it. It’s not like you’d have to spend more than 5 minutes around the ND program before you’d catch wind of his story. Any effort whatsoever would have rectified this miscue.

While we’re at it, someone please tell me how this guy gets a job in sports. Answering mail. And blogging. For real money. Anybody. Can we really trust something so important as College Football to this man? Do you think he’s ever, in his entire life, worn a pair of cleats? Do you believe that any blisters he’s ever had in his entire life were not localized on his hands? CNNSI.com has the original Dungeons and Dragons player as a featured columnist for their College Football coverage. I’m going to go kick a dog now.

Has pictures of someone doing something.

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What? Too easy?

JoePa is helped up after reautomation software fails.

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Boosters of the Virginia Technical Institute Football Program are rushing to put together enough funds to mitigate the effects of a new “Fines for Flags” program put together by their Special Teams Coach/Head Coach Frank Beamer. Beamer intends to fine $100 dollars from a player’s bowl-stipend for every personal foul they draw. Beamer also intends to make the players run a 100 yard sprint for every yard of penalties for which that player is penalized. The VaTech Boosters have not released any information on a plan to either fund this program or figure out a way to get people to run penalty sprints by proxy.

We’re also hearing reports of a giant sigh of relief by a large portion of VaTech alumni who, on first reading reports of this program too quickly, dropped the “L” from the word “Flags.” Those sorts of things just aren’t talked about in Virginia, son.

This is clearly an attempt by Beamer to clean up the image of a program that was penalized 12 times for personal fouls in their first 2 games of the 2005 season. This may also be a ploy to curry the favor of empathetic game officials who could realize that penalizing a VaTech player could cost that player as much as 1/20th their weekly handouts/salary/bonus tuition financing.

No word yet on whether Beamer’s attempts to clean up the program will include suspension of his “Unending 2nd Chances” policy that allowed Marcus Vick to continue playing for VaTech until it was no longer convenient.

Beamer: Tough on Face Masks, Soft on Crime

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BGS just reminded me of one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies, so they get a plug here. After all, one of HLS’s top maxims is:

Any reference that reminds you of a movie that made you laugh a lot that in turn reminds you of Scarlett Johansson is a great reference.

So well done there, BGS.

Further, I’d like to pitch in and say that the video BGS links to really is the best press conference Charlie gave during the entire fall camp. The anticipation for Saturday night comes thru so thick in his voice, you could cut it with a knife and spread it on a bagel. (Mmmmm… That’s yeastastic.) I kept from watching it at first because it seemed the NDNation world was so amped by it, it had to be overblown. Sorta like when everyone says last night’s episode of Entourage was the best of the season, and then you watch it, and it’s just Vince acting like a little bitch again. But no, seriously, this installment rules. Catch it!

Hey, speaking of bitches…

You can see the video here if, for some reason, you don’t want to click the link to BGS. I dunno. Maybe one of them owes you money for that night in Thailand but you know you’ll never get it back because you can’t really bring it up in the civilized world.

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If you wanna know the rules, they’re here.

First, The Game: #2 Notre Dame at Georgia Tech.

The Uber-hyped Fighting Irish of Notre Dame bring Offensive Fireworks, a speedier defense (we hope), and Catholicism upon Hotlanta.  The line for this game has steadily shrunk from ND as heavy favorite to barely giving the Technical College Kids 3 points.

Next, The Other Big Game: #11 Florida State at #12 Miami

Almost guaranteed to provide several missed field goals by FSU, Miami, or both.  Certainly guaranteed to make viewers wonder what the heck Bobby Bowden actually does with his time since it can’t be coaching football.

And Finally, The Game Nobody Will Actually Watch: Marshall at #5 West Virginia

The first game in West Virginia’s vaunted “Toughest Schedule in the Nation,” Marshall, like all of WVU’s 2006 opponents will surely bend over test Coach Rich Rodriguez’s squad.

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